Broken hearts won't mend with band aids.

    

     It seems like everything I try to do lately only hurts me more. I feel worn and overlooked. It seems like nothing I do is ever enough anymore. I don't even feel like talking. It takes to much work to try to put my thoughts into words right now. Writing this, my fingers feel almost as heavy as my heart does. I don't want to work. I don't want to do school. I don't want to read or write. I don't want to speak. I don't even want to be awake.

     I get to feeling like this at times and I don't know why. I just feel a heaviness in my heart sometimes. I can't even describe the emptiness I feel in these moments. It's like my whole outlook is a long sigh. How do I get this way? By slowly believing and accepting lies. Why do I let myself get this way? I don't normally see it coming.

     I couldn't even pay attention today at church. It's like I know God is there but there is sin separating us. I have asked for forgiveness and I know God forgives me. I just can't seem to forgive myself this time. I have a hard time accepting that I can't be enough. That I need help. But truth be told I am weak and I need help. I need God. But when I don't feel good enough I run.I don't like people seeing me when I'm vulnerable.I don't like God seeing me try to  make it on my own. But I still don't know how to just run to Him.

      I badly long to just be in His presence.To have His attention. To be able to lay my head on His chest and have him wrap His arms around me. To touch His face and kiss His forehead. Writing this I still hear the heaviness in my heart tell me that I'm not worthy of such an experience. That I'm not worthy of such love. I want to believe He loves me like that even when I can't love Him like that, Even when I run away. I want to believe He'll chase me.But I know I'm the one who is supposed to be chasing after Him.Let me be real.Let me love what is real....what is TRUE. Let me love YOU.

 

    

developing days

This weekend has been an incredible journey. It started Friday night. Youth was actually awesome. Lol our silly little youth pastor tried to trick us. You see. Normally he will ask for prayer requests and then he will pray. But he seemed to be hiding something and I knew what it was. He was going to make us pray for our own requests. Now, I am a Christian and I do believe in prayer. But I always struggle to pray publicly because I'm afraid of being judged or screwing up or something. So I purposely didn't make a prayer request lol. There were three requests made and 8 youth. Like I suspected we were asked to pray. However ....one of the girls who asked for prayer specifically asked for me to pray for her. I hesistantly agreed. I'm now glad I did. Its good practice and I feel like I'm growing as a person and growing in my faith. Proof of that growth came on Sunday when I actually was brave enough at church to walk over and pray with someone.(patting myself on the back saying brave girl) Stop laughing at me lol. 

       

     I am developing more every day. A I have previously mentioned I am being mentored by a wonderful Godly woman. I was texting her Saturday night and I don't know why but her texts seemed a little off. Then I seen her Sunday morning at church and I could tell something up. I knew something was going on but I didn't know what it was or how I could help. So I did what I normally do. I quietly observed her throughout the next little while. That night I was texting her again and I just couldn't shake that feeling of I know I need to do something. I decided I would remind her of truth as best as I know how. Its strange for me because she is normally the one pouring truth into me. The roles just don't get reversed that often. So I did what she does. I spoke truth and live to her. Yet I still felt and emptiness that I knew I couldn't fill. So I decided to pray for her too. I think that kinda caught her off guard. She knows I don't like praying with others. But the more I do. ...the easier it gets. The more open I am...the more room God has to operate. 

     Last night this wonderful woman spontanioulsy decided that we were going out. So we did. We went to watch a movie. No family. No distractions. Just a quiet night for the two of us and God to just get away for a while. I loved it. We watched "the son of God".  I just kept thinking to myself is this really what Jesus is like? Is this really he He loves? Does He really love me like that ? Its incredible because I know He really does love me like that. But it makes me wonder how I love Him back.  I hear my mentor talk of how much she deeply loves God and I think to myself how wonderful it will be to have that close a relationship with Him. For now , I will continue to just move me step closer to Him at a time until the day I see Him face to face. 

Bandaids and bruises

     It's been a couple days now since my teenage tantrum and I'm pleased to report things went well with the follow up meeting. Though I wasn't very comfortable at first the way the pastors handled the situation (ME and MY STUPIDITY) was encouraging. Even though I was wrong without a doubt they treated me with great respect. SO I must say that in their words and actions they proved themselves to be real men of God. Even though I may not agree with them all the time and I may get upset with them at times I respect them for the way they conducted themselves.
     It's so much easier to apologize when you know you will still be treated well. Not only was my apology accepted but I was also given Godly instruction as to what to do next. Move On. I like the sounds of that. I've been looking back for long enough now. It's time to look forward. Maybe instead of just dreaming I can take hold of my dreams and bring them into reality. This year I will look forward to what God has on the way for me.I will stand up and become dependant. Dependant on Christ I mean. I may have gone through some challenging things but my pastors are right I need to move on.
     I think It's time to work diligently at finishing my school, getting my G2, and working on my talents. When schools done I think I'll take up guitar lessons and maybe even piano....we'll see what works. I'm going to break out the old dance flags and get back to being me. The real me. The God driven me. Maybe I'll even get back into reading and writing more. Contented sigh.....My life shows progress and still great potential. That's what happens when I realize I am stilled loved. Hope comes around to sweep me off my feet.

Unleashed, Unarmed, and Unprepared

     As I previously mentioned this is a blog of my steps. Both good and bad. Last night was a perfect example of a backward step. My feelings were unleashed at a time that I was unarmed and unprepared to deal with them.

     I had a reasonably good morning. No problems or anything. Heck, I even went out to lunch with my mentor and a couple others. But as soon as I got home I could feel myself fading in a sense. I was very tired all of a sudden and just felt worn. But rather than taking a rest I decided it would be a great idea to text instead. (DON'T DO THAT!) I am new at dealing with my emotions and especially bad at it when I'm tired. In a matter of moments I went from trying to have a civilized conversation to trying to go rogue. I turned on my youth pastor, Complained to mentor, and went into a full out rebellion. (I don't advise doing this) Really....I took a teenage hissy fit. I was completely wrong but I didn't care because I wanted MY WAY. I told my youth pastor off and deleted him off my phone.
     Even in all this my faithful mentor was trying desperately to get some truth into my thick skull. So....being frustrated, I didn't take what she had to say very well. OK. OK. I took it REALLY REALLY BAD! I ended up turning my hissy fit into a full blown tantrum! I did whatever I could to hurt them all. I went against all leadership and %100 against God. I screamed "I HATE U!" over text and wished everyone would leave me alone. I felt like locking myself away. At least if I'm alone I can't hurt the people I love.
     Turned out I got my wish. I deleted EVERYONE but my mentor from my cell.The only reason I didn't delete her was because she already turned off her phone. She knew I wasn't responding to her anyways and that I wouldn't reach for anything more if I had her. So she turned off her phone and left me alone to think. It didn't take long for my rage to spike to dangerous levels. I contemplated getting a blade out to help ease what I was feeling. But i couldn't help but fight that thought.
     After about an hour of being alone I had had enough. I picked up my phone and sent 100+ texts about how I was thinking and feeling. Who was I texting ? Well there was a name on the top of the screen but the texts weren't really for her. I was texting Jesus. You know what? I think He even read them. Even though I'm suffering from a serious sin hangover I feel better. I will be meeting all the people I hurt tomorrow.Hopefully The restoration can continue on from me to them to us.I am choosing now to trust that whatever happens tomorrow will work out for His glory in the end.

                                                --Shannon--