Unleashed, Unarmed, and Unprepared

     As I previously mentioned this is a blog of my steps. Both good and bad. Last night was a perfect example of a backward step. My feelings were unleashed at a time that I was unarmed and unprepared to deal with them.

     I had a reasonably good morning. No problems or anything. Heck, I even went out to lunch with my mentor and a couple others. But as soon as I got home I could feel myself fading in a sense. I was very tired all of a sudden and just felt worn. But rather than taking a rest I decided it would be a great idea to text instead. (DON'T DO THAT!) I am new at dealing with my emotions and especially bad at it when I'm tired. In a matter of moments I went from trying to have a civilized conversation to trying to go rogue. I turned on my youth pastor, Complained to mentor, and went into a full out rebellion. (I don't advise doing this) Really....I took a teenage hissy fit. I was completely wrong but I didn't care because I wanted MY WAY. I told my youth pastor off and deleted him off my phone.
     Even in all this my faithful mentor was trying desperately to get some truth into my thick skull. So....being frustrated, I didn't take what she had to say very well. OK. OK. I took it REALLY REALLY BAD! I ended up turning my hissy fit into a full blown tantrum! I did whatever I could to hurt them all. I went against all leadership and %100 against God. I screamed "I HATE U!" over text and wished everyone would leave me alone. I felt like locking myself away. At least if I'm alone I can't hurt the people I love.
     Turned out I got my wish. I deleted EVERYONE but my mentor from my cell.The only reason I didn't delete her was because she already turned off her phone. She knew I wasn't responding to her anyways and that I wouldn't reach for anything more if I had her. So she turned off her phone and left me alone to think. It didn't take long for my rage to spike to dangerous levels. I contemplated getting a blade out to help ease what I was feeling. But i couldn't help but fight that thought.
     After about an hour of being alone I had had enough. I picked up my phone and sent 100+ texts about how I was thinking and feeling. Who was I texting ? Well there was a name on the top of the screen but the texts weren't really for her. I was texting Jesus. You know what? I think He even read them. Even though I'm suffering from a serious sin hangover I feel better. I will be meeting all the people I hurt tomorrow.Hopefully The restoration can continue on from me to them to us.I am choosing now to trust that whatever happens tomorrow will work out for His glory in the end.

                                                --Shannon--