It's been a couple days now since my teenage tantrum and I'm pleased to report things went well with the follow up meeting. Though I wasn't very comfortable at first the way the pastors handled the situation (ME and MY STUPIDITY) was encouraging. Even though I was wrong without a doubt they treated me with great respect. SO I must say that in their words and actions they proved themselves to be real men of God. Even though I may not agree with them all the time and I may get upset with them at times I respect them for the way they conducted themselves.
It's so much easier to apologize when you know you will still be treated well. Not only was my apology accepted but I was also given Godly instruction as to what to do next. Move On. I like the sounds of that. I've been looking back for long enough now. It's time to look forward. Maybe instead of just dreaming I can take hold of my dreams and bring them into reality. This year I will look forward to what God has on the way for me.I will stand up and become dependant. Dependant on Christ I mean. I may have gone through some challenging things but my pastors are right I need to move on.
I think It's time to work diligently at finishing my school, getting my G2, and working on my talents. When schools done I think I'll take up guitar lessons and maybe even piano....we'll see what works. I'm going to break out the old dance flags and get back to being me. The real me. The God driven me. Maybe I'll even get back into reading and writing more. Contented sigh.....My life shows progress and still great potential. That's what happens when I realize I am stilled loved. Hope comes around to sweep me off my feet.
As I previously mentioned this is a blog of my steps. Both good and bad. Last night was a perfect example of a backward step. My feelings were unleashed at a time that I was unarmed and unprepared to deal with them.
I had a reasonably good morning. No problems or anything. Heck, I even went out to lunch with my mentor and a couple others. But as soon as I got home I could feel myself fading in a sense. I was very tired all of a sudden and just felt worn. But rather than taking a rest I decided it would be a great idea to text instead. (DON'T DO THAT!) I am new at dealing with my emotions and especially bad at it when I'm tired. In a matter of moments I went from trying to have a civilized conversation to trying to go rogue. I turned on my youth pastor, Complained to mentor, and went into a full out rebellion. (I don't advise doing this) Really....I took a teenage hissy fit. I was completely wrong but I didn't care because I wanted MY WAY. I told my youth pastor off and deleted him off my phone.
Even in all this my faithful mentor was trying desperately to get some truth into my thick skull. So....being frustrated, I didn't take what she had to say very well. OK. OK. I took it REALLY REALLY BAD! I ended up turning my hissy fit into a full blown tantrum! I did whatever I could to hurt them all. I went against all leadership and %100 against God. I screamed "I HATE U!" over text and wished everyone would leave me alone. I felt like locking myself away. At least if I'm alone I can't hurt the people I love.
Turned out I got my wish. I deleted EVERYONE but my mentor from my cell.The only reason I didn't delete her was because she already turned off her phone. She knew I wasn't responding to her anyways and that I wouldn't reach for anything more if I had her. So she turned off her phone and left me alone to think. It didn't take long for my rage to spike to dangerous levels. I contemplated getting a blade out to help ease what I was feeling. But i couldn't help but fight that thought.
After about an hour of being alone I had had enough. I picked up my phone and sent 100+ texts about how I was thinking and feeling. Who was I texting ? Well there was a name on the top of the screen but the texts weren't really for her. I was texting Jesus. You know what? I think He even read them. Even though I'm suffering from a serious sin hangover I feel better. I will be meeting all the people I hurt tomorrow.Hopefully The restoration can continue on from me to them to us.I am choosing now to trust that whatever happens tomorrow will work out for His glory in the end.
--Shannon--
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